Sunday, April 29, 2007

"In Love" ... aspirations from reading

yennie said ...
"To love means never to be afraid of the windstorms of life; should you shield the canyons from the windstorms you would never see the beauty of the carvings."
by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, b.1926 Swiss-born American Psychiatrist and writer

I really like this quote... I can totally relate to what she's saying and I think it is very important for me to be reminded of this right now...

Here's an excerpt which I really like from The Memory Keeper's Daughter by Kim Edwards ...

... Caroline herself could feel a dull scratching deep in her throat as she called the next patient, an elderly gentleman whose cold would worsen in the next weeks, turning into the pneumonia that would finally kill him. Rupert Dean. He was sitting in the leather armchair, fighting a nosebleed, and he stood up slowly, stuffing his cloth handkerchief, with its vivid spots of blood, into his pocket. When he reached the desk he handed Caroline a photograph in a dark blue cardboard frame. It was a portrait, black and white, faintly tinted. The woman looking out wore a pale peach sweater. Her hair was gently waved, her eyes a deep shade of blue. Rupert Dean's wife, Emelda, dead now for twenty years. "She was the love of my life," he announced to Caroline, his voice so loud that people looked up. ...

In the March 2007 issue of Self magazine, Sheryl Crow said "I think you're at your best when truly your first love is for yourself and all other love stems from that. I've been really good at loving other people, but you get a little shortchanged when that comes above yourself."

I learnt from my previous relationships, I've been really loved but the way the relationship goes makes me unable to love myself.. The whole time, I thought something must be wrong with me. I kept trying to find the reason I become the kind of person who would take as much as possible without giving in the relationship..
Is it stupid to actually want to be able give as much as take?
Some people tell me that it's better to be loved more than loving someone more..
I don't quite agree with that. I've been there. Strangely, when people tells me how lucky I am to have someone who love me THAT much, I was envying other girls who willingly compromise for their partners. I guess in the end, it's a personal preference. Glad at least I know now, that's not how I wanted it.

Sheryl Crow also said in the same issue of Self... "Giving people the opportunity to really be there for you is a blessing for them as well as for yourself."

Outside of love relationship, I have always understand the blessing of being given the opportunity to really be there for someone else... But I need to learn to better understand that when I give others opportunity to be there for me... It's actually a blessing to them in some ways.... and that some people really WANT to be there for me... :P

Here's another excerpt from another article in the same issue of Self, to conclude my post today...

"Together, Forever" by Martha McPhee
"... In Morocco, on one of our honeymoons, I became drawn to the word inshallah, meaning "if God wills it." I love the simplicity and beauty of this idea. In English, there is no one word that so completely surrenders to fate. I remember this: Mark and I are trying to buy a rug from a merchant - actually, I am trying to buy the rug. Mark is watching me. We are in a small room deep inside the medina in the city of Fez. I barter, and the merchant, a wizened old man, says, "Madame, you are trying to buy a camel for the price of a rooster." I want the rug. I want the man to sell it to me for the rooster price. He is laughing at the fact that I am trying to buy a rug we can't afford, at my desire to pursue that which I should not be pursing. He pulls out his wallet and hands the man the camel price. I think, We need that cash. But the rug is not really what he is buying; he's indulging my dream. I thought then, and I think now: I love this man. I never want to divorce this man. Inshallah."

I'm blissfully happy...
Now I know that I'm capable of being in love with a person, not just being with someone to continue living a 'good life'...
Now when someone said to me 'loving someone means acceptance', I understand...
(Not because the person I love needs to be 'accept-ed' anyway... :P In fact, I love everything about him [so far :P]...)
I'm in love... hope it will lasts... *finger crossed* ^.^


P.S. Happy Birthday my MOST WONDERFUL li'l sis... (... MOST -> I only have one li'l sis :P ...) Love you sis! Hope you'll soon find all the happiness in the world!! Everything else might be over-rated... But you can be sure that happiness is not! :)

Sunday, April 08, 2007

Eggs - Cage or Free Range or Barn Laid?

When buying eggs, I'm very much used to choosing the cheapest available in the grocery shop. I don't pay much attention to what it states. I mean, h*ll they're just eggs.. Most of the time, I splatter them in my instant noodle soup, so it's not like I'll taste the difference anyway between the $2.99/dozen and the $6.99/dozen. And, none of my siblings have complained about the way the eggs taste. Why change? Why increase our weekly expense?

Until the time I went shopping recently, a word on the eggs-case-label was pointed out to me by this smart alien I went shopping with... "Cage". What does it mean? Why haven't I seen it before? =) I suppose that's not unusual of me. I don't really read the eggs-case-labels. They seem pretty meaningless to me.

Apparently, they mean something... Some people fought hard for those words to be printed as part of the eggs-case-label. I'm not sure if they haven't done a good job to get people to understand these words or I'm just wayyyyy too ignorant of the things that are happening around the world. Seeing it's me, I'm sure it's more the latter. They do have meaning - as I've just discovered.

An extract from this post stated ...
"Although we're buying fewer cage eggs, about 73 per cent of eggs sold in supermarkets and shops come from caged hens living in sheds. From next year, cage hens will have slightly larger cages in which to spend the 70-odd weeks of their lives. The size of the new cages, housing three or four hens at a time, will give each bird at least 550 square centimetres - better than the previous minimum standard of 450 square centimetres. But it still means a caged chicken's personal space is slightly smaller than a piece of A4 paper - for it's entire life, says Glenys Oogjes of Animals Australia."

When I first heard bout it, I didn't really think much of it. I mean, they're just chickens, not human beings, so it's not like that they can fully digest what they're going through... Also, what is the impact of one single soul like me not buying the cage eggs to the whole business of egg-selling? Deep down, I know how lame this last justification is though. I mean, if everyone think the way I do, the business who sell caged-eggs will keep doing what they're doing. As long as there are demands for these eggs, what would make them stop? And, my first justification of they're just being chickens, that's very bad too... It's bad enough I get to eat them, and their unborn chicks, do I have to harm them in the process too? I guess, it feels less cruel cause the process is not really visible to me.

But, going through this interesting page "The Chicken - All Creatures Animal Exploitation Photo Gallery" definitely makes me realise how cruel it is. Definitely too cruel to save $2-$3 over a dozen of eggs.

The question that remains with me though is ... where to draw the line?

Now I know that buying caged-eggs are wrong; but, aren't eating the chickens/eggs wrong too? What bout eating all the other animals? There's definitely nothing wrong with drinking milk, I suppose, but what about eating their meat? What bout those cute piggies?

It's funny - before I had my precious time with "Cookie"; I wouldn't think much about eating dog meat; (but luckily - I've never tried them!); but since then, imagining people beating dogs and cutting them up is just WRONG! Goodness - he's a friend to me. It feels like they're saying they'll cut up my friend and cook them for me!

So maybe, right now I haven't really been close enough to these animals to feel that it's wrong to eat them, but one day I might change my mind... I can't really force myself into thinking that eating these animals are wrong I supposed. But I for sure know that I don't want to be cruel to chickens in the process of eating their eggs...

I'm happy that I'm learning as the days passed ...

Pretty Clouds and Jc's Farewell Dinner

The pretty clouds on one lovely Saturday afternoon ....

J-c's farewell dinner at TGI Friday's ...
left to right: me, my sis (Shelwin), Jennifer(Je-fer), Stephanie (CouNi), Deasy (Lia), Jessy, Agnes (below Deasy).

The lovely J-c and me :)... going to miss u!!! =(

One by one, they all choose to leave Melbourne... X(

Friday, April 06, 2007

Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol

We'll do it all
On our own

We don't need
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel

Those three words,
are said too much
they're not enough
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars

Around our heads

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes
They're all I can see

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things
Will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Me and my crazy head

It's now couple months after one of the biggest change I've had in my life, I am now able to fully digest the things that have happened and my very own decision...

I've spent the past couple months justifying my decision... To my family, my friends and most of the time, to myself... There are times where I wonder why do I feel the need to justify it. Isn't it supposed to be my life? Well - I can't really blame anyone but me, it's more me who always feel that I need to explain myself.

During one of the discussions with my gal-pals today, we come across the topic of changes and being content with what we have. Lia asked Jc if "something" better comes up in place of "something" that she already have, would she take up the offer. She said no. She has always been a very nice and easy-going person who know what she wants and happy with what she's got. Lia was @.@ (slightly confused that she wouldn't). I can quite understand Jc's point though... I mean there's no such thing as better (especially when it comes to people); there are differences; plus-es and minus-es; person A might have points that person B doesn't have and vice versa. When I explained that, I was asked "Why did I decide to make that change if it's not because the new thing is better?" I have to say I was a bit surprised by the question... so took me a little while to answer but when I think bout it... it's not because the new thing is better; but it's because i like the new thing more and i think it suits me more...

I hope... that's the last justification I have to make for that decision of mine. I'm getting tired of the whole justifying scenarios..... It makes me wish I can be more like some people who just do what they want and not justifying it.

I feel like I've spend my whole life trying my best to do the right thing (according to people around me); and I was doing fine... and then when one time I decided to do something that's not considered 'right' - I feel that this one action changes their view of me. I feel I'm being judged for my last decision. I feel the need to make it up to them. And then I try to make it up to them by doing other 'right' things. But I feel they are still not willing to let go of this decision of mine. I almost feel that they want me to take back my decision. Revert them. Or is it just me and my paranoid thoughts? Maybe deep down, I wanted to take back my decision and I'm trying to blame it on these people?

The thing is... Consciously I think I've done the right thing. For me. At least for now. I'm happy. Happy with my decision. Or at least I think I am.

But, subconsciously... I feel that maybe I might regret making this dramatic change. I've been trying to suppress it. I've talked to people. That helped a bit. But I can't keep talking about the same thing again and again.. I'll start to sound like a broken record. And I don't want that. But at the same time, I can't get it out of my head though... Not unless I can find the answers to my questions... My brain will continue to wonder... What's right for me?

Sigh... It's just another day with me and my crazy head...