Wednesday, November 30, 2005

The Genuine You

It is good to laugh when you find something funny. It is good to cry when you are sad.

You are a beautiful, unique living person, with hopes and dreams, feelings, values, opinions, thoughts and visions. It is good to let all that shine through.

People sometimes think they can appear sophisticated by denying who they truly are. Yet real sophistication and value comes from fully expressing your most genuine sentiments and truths in the way you live your life.

You'll never find fulfillment by trying to be someone you're not. You'll never find fulfillment by following someone else's dreams.

Life is always best when you live each moment as the real person you are. Though it can be painful and difficult at times, it is far better to live the genuine truth of your own being than to run and hide from it.

Go ahead and feel the joy, the pain, and fully live the ups and downs and twists and turns of the rich and wonderful life with which you're blessed. Be the real, genuine you, and there's no limit to the fulfillment you can know.

-- Ralph Marston

Sunday, November 20, 2005

2005: the year when i try new things...

in 2005:
working full time ONGOING
gym classes DONE
making necklaces and earrings from beads DONE
snowboarding DONE
cooking from people's recipe DONE
japanese lesson DONE
dragonboating DONE
driving license test DONE

interior design lesson
piano lessons
dance classes
bikram yoga
makeup lesson
riding a bicycle? :P

i may not be good at the things i've tried.. but to me, the only thing that matters is that i've tried it!! =D

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

How does it feel...

... to have testicular cancer?
by Matt Elmy (Film Assistant)

September 10, 2003
My name is Matt. I am 30 years old. On September 10, 2002, I was diagnosed with testicular cancer. The original tumour was in my right testicle. It then spread to my lymph nodes, lungs, liver and brain. It was only really then that I realised how much people care about each other and how much people care about me. I also found out very quickly who these people are. Sophie tops the bill - my angel.

September 24, 2003
I proposed to my baby today; another amazing day to come from this horrendous illness. I feel okay which is maybe somewhat surprising seeing what they've pumped me full of. But remember if it goes for a year, it's gone for good.

September 27, 2003
Soph's been showing her engagement ring to everybody. I knew she was the one ages ago. I'm just pleased I carried through the courage of my commitments. The good thing is that it's a commitment on so many levels, most importantly to Soph and our future. Also, to never give in to this disease. We will beat it.

Matt died on Febuary 19, 2004. This is an excerpt from his diary.

-- Copied from my bro's Men's Health OCTOBER 2005.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

about blogging...

Today as I walk back home from work through the Melbourne breeze, I was reading "the girl most likely: a novel by rebecca sparrow", I can't help but start thinking...
'mmm.. Why do I have to get the Archie comics in S'pore Changi Airport whenever I got a chance (even bugging my mom to buy them when my parents are transitting there)? Why I am the way I am? Why am I such a creature of habit? Why do I get extremely worried when my close ones travelling by aeroplane? Or even why do I enjoy reading so much? Why do I have such high level of curiosity? Have I always been like this?' etc...

Anyway, from these thoughts I end up thinkin that this could be a good blog topic.. And I start to wonder if people get their blog topic the way I do, while walking home from work in the coldness n reading book... Trying not to forget this topic so that I'll remember to write the post... Then I start thinking.. mm what's the purpose of blogging anyway? Are we supposed to be writing for others or are we writing for us to look back? Mmm although after careful thought, I'm more towards writing it for myself... but with the consideration that someone else might read this.. :)

From there my thought skip back to the 'Why I am the way I am?', and I start to think wouldn't it be nice to have a book about how I am (my behaviours and habits) n why I am that way n be able to go through and read through it... maybe I can improve myself from there... and even if i can't... learning bout myself that thoroughly itself for me would be great... especially since lately, i feel that i'm just starting to get to know myself... :)

Ugh... All these thoughts evolve within 10 mins because of a simple sentence in that book I was reading... 'Betty or Veronica?'

What does that tells you bout me? Mmm...

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

today's quote

Happiness is not in our circumstance but in ourselves. It is not something we see, like a rainbow, or feel, like the heat of a fire. Happiness is something we are.
-- John B. Sheerin

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

being content with what u've got currently vs stubbornly fight

this has been a question in my head for quite sometime now.. and funnily, when a question is stuck in your head for sometime, everything around you seems to revolve around that questions.. your surrounding just coincidentally keep on offering things or events that are related to that question... :P

i'm the eldest child in my family.. eversince i was a kid, i've always have to share things, and deal with not getting what i want and most importantly, i had to learn well how to be happy with what i've got...

or maybe it's because i've had to move from my hometown in Medan to Jakarta when i was 10 yrs old, then from Jkt to Penang when i was 16 yrs old, and then from Penang to Melbourne when i was 18 yrs old and in Melbourne alone, i've moved house 5 times... :P mmm that could be why i tend to make do with whatever it is that i've got...

or maybe it's my personality.. i've always been an easy-goer especially when it's related to other people.. only sometimes when i'm in the stubborn mood to have one of my crazy cravings, i'd fight for my desire..

whatever it is.. this is how i am...

i really dislike people who WAIT stubbornly for some things...
fighting for your desire is one thing, but regretting what they currently have and waiting for the better things to come along... mmm i dun really think u'll get anywhere...

and i'm thinking.. being the way that i am... being content with what i've currently got, is that good? or only the ones who STUBBORNly fight for the best will be successful?

sometimes, being the way i am, i realised that i feel content too easily... i'm way too happy in my skin that i dun push myself enough in improving myself... there are times where i feel that i could and should improve my career, my personality, my physical look, my hobbies, etc... but most of the times, i'll be "stuff it... i'm happy the way i am.." and it doesn't really help that most of my surroundings are very acceptance toward whatever it is that i'm doing.. my family, my boyfriend and my best friends have been a great supporter.. they rarely questioned my decisions... they've always have so much trust in myself and whatever it is that i do... so there are points where i feel... "mmm.. i dun really need to improve much, why bother?"

mmm i need to clarify though... i feel lucky that i have such great people around me... they are the one who made me the way i am right now... but maybe i could do with a little push? :P

well, i guess i can always push myself... but pushing your own self is very difficult... even more difficult than pushing someone else.. :P

yesterday in the Japanese lesson (2nd last one!!! i can't believe how quickly it went), my lovely Japanese teacher, Kaori sensei talks about the structure of the Japanese lesson - for students who feel like continueing, it's roughly 6 years lesson of 1 wkly 3 hrs sessions.
anyway, she was saying that there are no compulsary tests in her classes. she passes everyone because she believes that however bad you are in Japanese, as long as you keep learning, you'll definitely get better.. (Persistence is the key to success ie. Never Give Up!)
i get what she's saying and i agree with her.. well, if you've got to go to Japanese class every week for 3 hrs session for 6 years, i'm sure u'll get something out of it.. =) but i'm not going to continue the lessons... because i figure, i could spend the rest of my 6 years learning Japanese, but if i'm never going to use it, i'm simply wasting my time, and i'll be better off learning chinese and piano :P
but i surely do not regret the Japanese lessons which i've taken and paid for.. in fact, it's one of the best thing i've done for myself. i finally fulfill my curiosity on Japanese and their culture.

well... i know i'm not getting anywhere with these things that i wrote... it's a jumbled message everywhere.. hahaha as always... lately i found blogging difficult.. it's tough to put all the thoughts in writting and put them together in such a way that i can pass on the message... it's even more difficult when you feel like writting 1000 different things in a short page... :P

the summary: which is better, Fighting for the best or being content with what you've got? i personally think that it's a matter of adjusting between the two.. sometimes.. for some things you just ought to fight for the best because that's the only way you'll be successful, but with some other things, you should learn to be content with whatever it is that you've got... especially when there is not much you can do to change it...

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Real world experience

Somehow i felt that this is soooooo for me! =D
the right motivator at the right time....

Fully prepare yourself, make the best of plans, and take the most effective actions. Then, accept whatever happens, learn from it, and adjust your approach accordingly.

Sometimes things will go exactly as you have planned, and yet many times they will not. So what is your best option when plans go awry?

There is nothing to be gained by becoming bitter, depressed, angry or immobilized by frustration. Instead, realize that you have just made a sizeable investment of your time and resources, and have received from that investment something of real value.

You have learned firsthand a little more about what does and what does not work. You have gained valuable, real world experience, and because of that you are in an excellent place from which to move forward.

Will you squander that valuable experience on feeling sorry for yourself? Or will you pick yourself up, adapt and adjust, and move enthusiastically ahead?

When plans go awry, it's not the end of your world. In fact, if you choose, it can be the beginning of your real success.

-- Ralph Marston
Copied from Daily Motivator site

Thursday, October 27, 2005

specially dedicated to my dearest...

PS. Sorry it's in Indonesian :( but this is an extremely good story.... i HAD to put it up.. ^.^

MENJELANG hari H, Nania masih saja sulit mengungkapkan alasan kenapa dia mau menikah dengan lelaki itu. Baru setelah menengok ke belakang, hari-hari yang dilalui, gadis cantik itu sadar, keheranan yang terjadi bukan semata miliknya, melainkan menjadi milik banyak orang; Papa dan Mama, kakak-kakak, tetangga, dan teman-teman Nania. Mereka ternyata sama herannya.
"Kenapa?" tanya mereka di hari Nania mengantarkan surat undangan.
Saat itu teman-teman baik Nania sedang duduk di kantin menikmati hari-hari sidang yang baru saja berlalu. Suasana sore di kampus sepi. Berpasang-pasang mata tertuju pada gadis itu.
Tiba-tiba saja pipi Nania bersemu merah, lalu matanya berpijar bagaikan lampu neon limabelas watt. Hatinya sibuk merangkai kata-kata yang barangkali beterbangan di otak melebihi kapasitas. Mulut Nania terbuka. Semua menunggu. Tapi tak ada apapun yang keluar dari sana. Ia hanya menarik nafas, mencoba bicara dan? menyadari, dia tak punya kata-kata!
Dulu gadis berwajah indo itu mengira punya banyak jawaban, alasan detil dan spesifik, kenapa bersedia menikah dengan laki-laki itu. Tapi kejadian dikampus adalah kali kedua Nania yang pintar berbicara mendadak gagap.Yang pertama terjadi tiga bulan lalu saat Nania menyampaikan keinginan Rafli untuk melamarnya. Arisan keluarga Nania dianggapmomen yang tepat karena semua berkumpul, bahkan hingga generasi ketiga,sebab kakak-kakaknya yang sudah berkeluarga membawa serta buntut mereka.
"Kamu pasti bercanda!"
Nania kaget. Tapi melihat senyum yang tersungging di wajah kakak tertua, disusul senyum serupa dari kakak nomor dua, tiga, dan terakhir dari Papa dan Mama membuat Nania menyimpulkan: mereka serius ketika mengira Nania bercanda.
Suasana sekonyong-konyong hening. Bahkan keponakan-keponakan Nania yang balita melongo dengan gigi-gigi mereka yang ompong. Semua menatap Nania!
"Nania serius!" tegasnya sambil menebak-nebak, apa lucunya jika Rafli memang melamarnya.
"Tidak ada yang lucu," suara Papa tegas, "Papa hanya tidak mengira Rafli berani melamar anak Papa yang paling cantik!"
Nania tersenyum. Sedikit lega karena kalimat Papa barusan adalah pertanda baik. Perkiraan Nania tidak sepenuhnya benar sebab setelah itu berpasang-pasang mata kembali menghujaninya, seperti tatapan mata penuh selidik seisi ruang pengadilan pada tertuduh yang duduk layaknya pesakitan.
"Tapi Nania tidak serius dengan Rafli, kan?" Mama mengambil inisiatif bicara, masih seperti biasa dengan nada penuh wibawa, "maksud Mama siapa saja boleh datang melamar siapapun, tapi jawabannya tidak harus iya, toh?"
Nania terkesima.
"Sebab kamu gadis Papa yang paling cantik."
"Sebab kamu paling berprestasi dibandingkan kami. Mulai dari ajang busana, sampai lomba beladiri. Kamu juga juara debat bahasa Inggris, juara baca puisi seprovinsi. Suaramu bagus!"
"Sebab masa depanmu cerah. Sebentar lagi kamu meraih gelar insinyur. Bakatmu yang lain pun luar biasa. Nania sayang, kamu bisa mendapatkan laki-laki manapun yang kamu mau!"
Nania memandangi mereka, orang-orang yang amat dia kasihi, Papa, kakak-kakak, dan terakhir Mama. Takjub dengan rentetan panjang uraian mereka atau satu kata 'kenapa' yang barusan Nania lontarkan.
"Nania cuma mau Rafli," sahutnya pendek dengan airmata mengambang di kelopak.
Hari itu dia tahu, keluarganya bukan sekadar tidak suka, melainkan sangat tidak menyukai Rafli. Ketidaksukaan yang mencapai stadium empat. Parah.
"Tapi kenapa?"
"Sebab Rafli cuma laki-laki biasa, dari keluarga biasa, dengan pendidikan biasa, berpenampilan biasa, dengan pekerjaan dan gaji yang amat sangat biasa. Bergantian tiga saudara tua Nania mencoba membuka matanya. Tak ada yang bisa dilihat pada dia, Nania!"
"Cukup!" Nania menjadi marah. Tidak pada tempatnya ukuran-ukuran duniawi menjadi parameter kebaikan seseorang menjadi manusia. Di mana iman, di mana tawakkal hingga begitu mudah menentukan masa depan seseorang dengan Melihat pencapaiannya hari ini?
Sayangnya Nania lagi-lagi gagal membuka mulut dan membela Rafli. Barangkali karena Nania memang tidak tahu bagaimana harus membelanya. Gadis itu tak punya fakta dan data konkret yang bisa membuat Rafli tampak 'luar biasa'. Nania cuma punya idealisme berdasarkan perasaan yang telah menuntun Nania menapaki hidup hingga umur duapuluh tiga. Dan nalurinya menerima Rafli. Di sampingnya Nania bahagia.
Mereka akhirnya menikah.

Setahun pernikahan.

Orang-orang masih sering menanyakan hal itu, masih sering berbisik-bisik di belakang Nania, apa sebenarnya yang dia lihat dari Rafli. Jeleknya, Nania masih belum mampu juga menjelaskan kelebihan-kelebihan Rafli agar tampak di mata mereka.
Nania hanya merasakan cinta begitu besar dari Rafli, begitu besar hingga Nania bisa merasakannya hanya dari sentuhan tangan, tatapan mata, atau cara dia meladeni Nania. Hal-hal sederhana yang membuat perempuan itu sangat bahagia.
"Tidak ada lelaki yang bisa mencintai sebesar cinta Rafli pada Nania." Nada suara Nania tegas, mantap, tanpa keraguan. Ketiga saudara Nania hanya memandang lekat, mata mereka terlihat tak percaya.
"Nia, siapapun akan mudah mencintai gadis secantikmu!"
"Kamu adik kami yang tak hanya cantik, tapi juga pintar!"
"Betul. Kamu adik kami yang cantik, pintar, dan punya kehidupan sukses!"
Nania merasa lidahnya kelu. Hatinya siap memprotes. Dan kali ini dilakukannya sungguh-sungguh. Mereka tak boleh meremehkan Rafli. Beberapa lama keempat adik dan kakak itu beradu argumen.
"Tapi Rafli juga tidak jelek, Kak!" "Betul. Tapi dia juga tidak ganteng kan?"
"Rafli juga pintar!" "Tidak sepintarmu, Nania."
"Rafli juga sukses, pekerjaannya lumayan." "Hanya lumayan, Nania. Bukan sukses. Tidak sepertimu."
Seolah tak ada apapun yang bisa meyakinkan kakak-kakaknya, bahwa adik mereka beruntung mendapatkan suami seperti Rafli. Lagi-lagi percuma.
"Lihat hidupmu, Nania. Lalu lihat Rafli! Kamu sukses, mapan, kamu bahkan tidak perlu lelaki untuk menghidupimu."
Teganya kakak-kakak Nania mengatakan itu semua.
Padahal adik mereka sudah menikah dan sebentar lagi punya anak.
Ketika lima tahun pernikahan berlalu, ocehan itu tak juga berhenti. Padahal Nania dan Rafli sudah memiliki dua orang anak, satu lelaki dan satu perempuan. Keduanya menggemaskan. Rafli bekerja lebih rajin setelah mereka memiliki anak-anak. Padahal itu tidak perlu sebab gaji Nania lebih dari cukup untuk hidup senang.
"Tak apa," kata lelaki itu, ketika Nania memintanya untuk tidak terlalu memforsir diri.
"Gaji Nania cukup, maksud Nania jika digabungkan dengan gaji Abang."
Nania tak bermaksud menyinggung hati lelaki itu.
Tapi dia tak perlu khawatir sebab suaminya yang berjiwa besar selalu bisa menangkap hanya maksud baik.
"Sebaiknya Nania tabungkan saja, untuk jaga-jaga. Ya?"
Lalu dia mengelus pipi Nania dan mendaratkan kecupan lembut. Saat itu sesuatu seperti kejutan listrik menyentakkan otak dan membuat pikiran Nania cerah.
Inilah hidup yang diimpikan banyak orang. Bahagia!
Pertanyaan kenapa dia menikahi laki-laki biasa, dari keluarga biasa, dengan pendidikan biasa, berpenampilan biasa, dengan pekerjaan dan gaji yang amat sangat biasa, tak lagi mengusik perasaan Nania.
Sebab ketika bahagia, alasan-alasan menjadi tidak penting.

Menginjak tahun ketujuh pernikahan, posisi Nania di kantor semakin gemilang, uang mengalir begitu mudah, rumah Nania besar, anak-anak pintar dan lucu, dan Nania memiliki suami terbaik di dunia. Hidup perempuan itu berada di puncak!
Bisik-bisik masih terdengar, setiap Nania dan Rafli melintas dan bergandengan mesra. Bisik orang-orang di kantor, bisik tetangga kanan dan kiri, bisik saudara-saudara Nania, bisik Papa dan Mama.
"Sungguh beruntung suaminya. Istrinya cantik." "Cantik ya? dan kaya!" "Tak imbang!"
Dulu bisik-bisik itu membuatnya frustrasi. Sekarang pun masih, tapi Nania belajar untuk bersikap cuek tidak peduli. Toh dia hidup dengan perasaan bahagia yang kian membukit dari hari ke hari.
Tahun kesepuluh pernikahan, hidup Nania masih belum bergeser dari puncak. Anak-anak semakin besar. Nania mengandung yang ketiga. Selama kurun waktu itu, tak sekalipun Rafli melukai hati Nania, atau membuat Nania menangis.

Bayi yang dikandung Nania tidak juga mau keluar. Sudah lewat dua minggu dari waktunya.
"Plasenta kamu sudah berbintik-bintik. Sudah tua, Nania. Harus segera dikeluarkan!"
Mula-mula dokter kandungan langganan Nania memasukkan sejenis obat ke dalam rahim Nania. Obat itu akan menimbulkan kontraksi hebat hingga perempuan itu merasakan sakit yang teramat sangat. Jika semuanya normal, hanya dalam hitungan jam, mereka akan segera melihat si kecil.
Rafli tidak beranjak dari sisi tempat tidur Nania di rumah sakit. Hanya waktu-waktu shalat lelaki itu meninggalkannya sebentar ke kamar mandi, dan menunaikan shalat di sisi tempat tidur. Sementara kakak-kakak serta orangtua Nania belum satu pun yang datang.
Anehnya, meski obat kedua sudah dimasukkan, delapan jam setelah obat pertama, Nania tak menunjukkan tanda-tanda akan melahirkan. Rasa sakit dan melilit sudah dirasakan Nania per lima menit, lalu tiga menit. Tapi pembukaan berjalan lambat sekali.
"Baru pembukaan satu."
"Belum ada perubahan, Bu."
"Sudah bertambah sedikit," kata seorang suster empat jam kemudian menyemaikan harapan.
"Sekarang pembukaan satu lebih sedikit."
Nania dan Rafli berpandangan. Mereka sepakat suster terakhir yang memeriksa memiliki sense of humor yang tinggi.
Tiga puluh jam berlalu. Nania baru pembukaan dua. Ketika pembukaan pecah, didahului keluarnya darah, mereka terlonjak bahagia sebab dulu-dulu kelahiran akan mengikuti setelah ketuban pecah. Perkiraan mereka meleset.
"Masih pembukaan dua, Pak!"
Rafli tercengang. Cemas. Nania tak bisa menghibur karena rasa sakit yang sudah tak sanggup lagi ditanggungnya. Kondisi perempuan itu makin payah. Sejak pagi tak sesuap nasi pun bisa ditelannya.
Rafli termangu. Iba hatinya melihat sang istri memperjuangkan dua kehidupan.
"Kita operasi, Nia. Bayinya mungkin terlilit tali pusar."
Rafli dan Nania berpandangan. Kenapa tidak dari tadi kalau begitu? Bagaimana jika terlambat?
Mereka berpandangan, Nania berusaha mengusir kekhawatiran. Ia senang karena Rafli tidak melepaskan genggaman tangannya hingga ke pintu kamar operasi. Ia tak suka merasa sendiri lebih awal.
Pembiusan dilakukan, Nania digiring ke ruangan serba putih. Sebuah sekat ditaruh di perutnya hingga dia tidak bisa menyaksikan ketrampilan dokter-dokter itu. Sebuah lagu dimainkan. Nania merasa berada dalam Perahu yang diguncang ombak. Berayun-ayun. Kesadarannya naik-turun. Terakhir, telinga perempuan itu sempat menangkap teriakan-teriakan di sekitarnya, Dan langkah-langkah cepat yang bergerak, sebelum kemudian dia tak sadarkan diri.
Kepanikan ada di udara. Bahkan dari luar Rafli bisa menciumnya. Bibir lelaki itu tak berhenti melafalkan zikir.
Seorang dokter keluar, Rafli dan keluarga Nania mendekat.
"Pendarahan hebat."
Rafli membayangkan sebuah sumber air yang meluap, berwarna merah.
Ada varises di mulut rahim yang tidak terdeteksi dan entah bagaimana pecah!
Bayi mereka selamat, tapi Nania dalam kondisi kritis.
Mama Nania yang baru tiba, menangis. Papa termangu lama sekali. Saudara-saudara Nania menyimpan isak, sambil menenangkan orangtua mereka.
Rafli seperti berada dalam atmosfer yang berbeda. Lelaki itu tercenung beberapa saat, ada rasa cemas yang mengalir di pembuluh-pembuluh darahnya dan tak bisa dihentikan, menyebar dan meluas cepat seperti kanker.
Setelah itu adalah hari-hari penuh doa bagi Nania.

Sudah seminggu lebih Nania koma. Selama itu Rafli bolak-balik dari kediamannya ke rumah sakit. Ia harus membagi perhatian bagi Nania dan juga anak-anak. Terutama anggota keluarganya yang baru, si kecil. Bayi itu sungguh menakjubkan, fisiknya sangat kuat, juga daya hisapnya. Tidak sampai empat hari, mereka sudah boleh membawanya pulang.
Mama, Papa, dan ketiga saudara Nania terkadang ikut menunggui Nania di rumah sakit, sesekali mereka ke rumah dan melihat perkembangan si kecil. Walau tak banyak, mulai terjadi percakapan antara pihak keluarga Nania dengan Rafli.
Lelaki itu sungguh luar biasa. Ia nyaris tak pernah meninggalkan rumah sakit, kecuali untuk melihat anak-anak di rumah. Syukurnya pihak perusahaan tempat Rafli bekerja mengerti dan memberikan izin penuh. Toh, dedikasi Rafli terhadap kantor tidak perlu diragukan.
Begitulah Rafli menjaga Nania siang dan malam. Dibawanya sebuah Quran kecil, dibacakannya dekat telinga Nania yang terbaring di ruang ICU. Kadang perawat dan pengunjung lain yang kebetulan menjenguk sanak famili mereka, melihat lelaki dengan penampilan sederhana itu bercakap-cakap dan bercanda mesra.
Rafli percaya meskipun tidak mendengar, Nania bisa merasakan kehadirannya.
"Nania, bangun, Cinta?"
Kata-kata itu dibisikkannya berulang-ulang sambil mencium tangan, pipi dan kening istrinya yang cantik.
Ketika sepuluh hari berlalu, dan pihak keluarga mulai pesimis dan berfikir untuk pasrah, Rafli masih berjuang. Datang setiap hari ke rumah sakit, mengaji dekat Nania sambil menggenggam tangan istrinya mesra. Kadang lelaki itu membawakan buku-buku kesukaan Nania ke rumah sakit dan membacanya dengan suara pelan. Memberikan tambahan di bagian ini dan itu. Sambil tak bosan-bosannya berbisik,
"Nania, bangun, Cinta?"
Malam-malam penantian dilewatkan Rafli dalam sujud dan permohonan. Asalkan Nania sadar, yang lain tak jadi soal. Asalkan dia bisa melihat lagi cahaya di mata kekasihnya, senyum di bibir Nania, semua yang menjadi sumber semangat bagi orang-orang di sekitarnya, bagi Rafli.
Rumah mereka tak sama tanpa kehadiran Nania. Anak-anak merindukan ibunya. Di luar itu Rafli tak memedulikan yang lain, tidak wajahnya yang lama tak bercukur, atau badannya yang semakin kurus akibat sering lupa makan.
Ia ingin melihat Nania lagi dan semua antusias perempuan itu di mata, gerak bibir, kernyitan kening, serta gerakan-gerakan kecil lain di wajahnya yang cantik. Nania sudah tidur terlalu lama.
Pada hari ke tiga puluh tujuh doa Rafli terjawab. Nania sadar dan wajah penat Rafli adalah yang pertama ditangkap matanya. Seakan telah begitu lama. Rafli menangis, menggenggam tangan Nania dan mendekapkannya ke dadanya, mengucapkan syukur berulang-ulang dengan air mata yang meleleh.
Asalkan Nania sadar, semua tak penting lagi.
Rafli membuktikan kata-kata yang diucapkannya beratus kali dalam doa. Lelaki biasa itu tak pernah lelah merawat Nania selama sebelas tahun terakhir. Memandikan dan menyuapi Nania, lalu mengantar anak-anak ke sekolah satu per satu. Setiap sore setelah pulang kantor, lelaki itu cepat-cepat menuju rumah dan menggendong Nania ke teras, melihat senja datang sambil memangku Nania seperti remaja belasan tahun yang sedang jatuh cinta.
Ketika malam Rafli mendandani Nania agar cantik sebelum tidur. Membersihkan wajah pucat perempuan cantik itu, memakaikannya gaun tidur. Ia ingin Nania selalu merasa cantik. Meski seringkali Nania mengatakan itu tak perlu. Bagaimana bisa merasa cantik dalam keadaan lumpuh?
Tapi Rafli dengan upayanya yang terus-menerus dan tak kenal lelah selalu meyakinkan Nania, membuatnya pelan-pelan percaya bahwa dialah perempuan paling cantik dan sempurna di dunia. Setidaknya di mata Rafli.
Setiap hari Minggu Rafli mengajak mereka sekeluarga jalan-jalan keluar. Selama itu pula dia selalu menyertakan Nania. Belanja, makan di restoran, nonton bioskop, rekreasi ke manapun Nania harus ikut. Anak-anak, seperti juga Rafli, melakukan hal yang sama, selalu melibatkan Nania. Begitu bertahun-tahun.
Awalnya tentu Nania sempat merasa risih dengan pandangan orang-orang di sekitarnya. Mereka semua yang menatapnya iba, lebih-lebih pada Rafli yang berkeringat mendorong kursi roda Nania ke sana kemari. Masih dengan senyum hangat di antara wajahnya yang bermanik keringat.
Lalu berangsur Nania menyadari, mereka, orang-orang yang ditemuinya di jalan, juga tetangga-tetangga, sahabat, dan teman-teman Nania tak puas hanya memberi pandangan iba, namun juga mengomentari, mengoceh, semua berbisik-bisik.
"Baik banget suaminya!"
"Lelaki lain mungkin sudah cari perempuan kedua!"
"Nania beruntung!"
"Ya, memiliki seseorang yang menerima dia apa adanya."
"Tidak, tidak cuma menerima apa adanya, kalian lihat bagaimana suaminya memandang penuh cinta. Sedikit pun tak pernah bermuka masam!"
Bisik-bisik serupa juga lahir dari kakaknya yang tiga orang, Papa dan Mama.
Bisik-bisik yang serupa dengungan dan sempat membuat Nania makin frustrasi, merasa tak berani, merasa?
Tapi dia salah. Sangat salah. Nania menyadari itu kemudian. Orang-orang di luar mereka memang tetap berbisik-bisik, barangkali selamanya akan selalu begitu. Hanya saja, bukankah bisik-bisik itu kini berbeda bunyi?
Dari teras Nania menyaksikan anak-anaknya bermain basket dengan ayah mereka. Sesekali perempuan itu ikut tergelak melihat kocak permainan.
Ya. Duapuluh dua tahun pernikahan. Nania menghitung-hitung semua, anak-anak yang beranjak dewasa, rumah besar yang mereka tempati, kehidupan yang lebih dari yang bisa dia syukuri. Meski tubuhnya tak berfungsi sempurna. Meski kecantikannya tak lagi sama karena usia, meski karir telah direbut takdir dari tangannya.
Waktu telah membuktikan segalanya. Cinta luar biasa dari laki-laki biasa yang tak pernah berubah, untuk Nania.

Karya Asma Nadia dari kumpulan cerpen Cinta Laki-laki Biasa - Diketik ulang oleh Juli Prasetio Utomo, 28 Juni 2005, dengan pembenahan beberapa ejaan dan tanda baca.

Monday, October 24, 2005

" felicity 1st season episode 15 "

Love is complicated -- full of sacrifice and compromise. But maybe that’s the best part.
- Sally

Thursday, October 20, 2005


was talking to a colleague today about animes and of course, my all time favorite, "Doraemon", pops up in the conversation...
somehow this conversation brings me back to the other animes i've seen n comics i've read... a couple books which i really really like are:
Doraemon, Pansy, Topeng Kaca, Sabbath Cafe, Mari Chan series, Candy Candy, Apple Dream, Rose of Versailles, The Duck of Mr Fredward, Sailor Moon, Yayoi Cewe Tomboy, Swans, Dreamer, Conan Detective (PS. some of the titles are in Indonesian, sorry =))

The latest one that i read is Parfait Tic!. That reminded me.. i haven't finish reading this as well.. =P

oh yeah, out of context... some tv series i wouldn't mind re-watching... Endless Love, First Love, God Please Give Me More Time!, Tokyo Love Story, Under The Same Roof

anyway.. i'm thinking.. wouldn't it be good if we could have a map of our life journey... so that i can have all of this kept somewhere so that i can go back and have a look at it whenever i feel like looking at what i've done and what i haven't done haha.. well.. not actually the items i think.. but more the listing of them.. a up to date list of the books i've read, whether i enjoyed it or not.. the movies i've seen, the songs i've heard and loved, etc.... this reminded me to one of the context aware article i've read during my thesis days... about how in the future, it is possible to attached context information to items, so when you pick up a book.. u'll be able to find out whether someone else who have read it, liked it or not, ie. we can attached the relevant information to the book itself... imagine that... =D would be very useful for someone as forgetful as i am!! =P

hehe this was the kind of talk i'd have with lia... when i used to live with her in cromwell hehe i really missed those time... i would have something popping up in my head out of nowhere and i'll get her opinion on it hehehe sometimes a very silly question such as "why is the alphabet 'A' is called 'A' why not 'B'?" hehe "chicken or egg, which one is first?"

ehhe i dun mind having a list of those conversations too...

well i guess i do have those lists.. somewhere in my head.. but the thing is.. i found remembering stuffs from the past quite difficult.. hehe i am what u called "living for the moment" hehe =P but it is not by choice!! :P hehe i just find recalling stuffs from more than a few days back difficult hehehe =D
that's why i'm always amazed when people can talk bout things in a movie from 2-3 years back... imagine that!!!! i can't even remember events in my live from 2 years ago..

anyway.. it is just a thought...

nostalgy... mmm... it's always fun to walk down the memory lane... ^.^

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

in her shoes n poem

i'm not usually a big fans of poem...
simply because i found it slow n difficult to understand :P

but the "In Her Shoes" movie brought a different perspective about poem to me...
maybe it is more re-introducing poem to me...
poems provide the subtle way of expressing their 'strong' feeling for poem writers...
and its sense of mystery is the big appeal of poem reader..
it is very romantic indeed...

i really liked the movie.. and i can really relate to the characters... =D
rate: 8.2/10

also, i found this site where you get all the movie spoilers.. it's good for when you're not sure when you dun wanna watch a movie but simply wanna know the storyline :P

" i carry your heart with me " by e.e. cummings

i carry your heart with me
(i carry it in my heart)
i am never without it
(anywhere i go you go, my dear;
and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear no fate
(for you are my fate, my sweet)
i want no world
(for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life
which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart
(i carry it in my heart)

Monday, October 17, 2005

" felicity 1st season 4th episode "

You can't know who that person is, the person who will become your ultimate confidant, your soul mate, or your lover. - Sally

" felicity 1st season 3rd episode "

On one hand, expectations can inspire you, but then again, they can really let you down. - Sally

^ eternal sunshine of the spotless mind + spirited away + australian idol ^

promised my self to watch "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" (starring: Jim Carrey and Kate Winslet) as well as Spirited Away (japanese anime directed by Hayao Miyazaki) this weekend.. and i did!! yippeee...
some friends&/colleagues watched these two movies and they highly recommended them... have to agree with them... both are highly interesting movies... really liked "Spirited Away" eventhough i'm not a big anime fan... =) the story line is great and Haku character is so cool ;P enjoyed it a lot... rate: 8.8/10
"Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" is also one great movie.. the idea of the movie is just unique and so different from other love stories.. liked it a lot. but i do found the way it is screened a bit difficult to follow.. rate: 7.8/10
these two movies have cheer up my weekend in their own way.. =) and with the body balance class i had... the sarah mclachlan song... can't ask for more.. :P
mmmm... one thing, i found watching these movies make me sort of wonder, how much do i actually understand from this movies... sometimes some parts of the movie, makes me wonder 'why?'.. and it annoys me.. cause i won't be able to get the answer... unless i get to meet the director :P hahaha.. and i'm very forgetful too.. so i won't be able to discuss it with others unless i watch it with them... huff... maybe i'll need to watch the movies a little closer.. so that i won't forget them so easily...
the best thing that happen this weekend?

LEE HARDING got a touchdown!!! YIPPEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.... that actually brings warm tears to my eyes :P he looks familiar.. mmm not familiar because i know him, but familiar because he has the 'nice friend' look... really really really like him!!! and i so wish one day will have the chance to sese him in person!!! =D really enjoyed the touchdown tonite... feel soooooo happy for him.... i have so much faith for him to be the idol... or at least one of the top 3... well.. dun really care if he's the idol... but as long as he'll become a performer.. which he already is... by getting the touchdown, he's one step closer to be the idol... =) so.. GOOOOOO Lee!!! =)
anyway... before you think i'm insane... :P read the recap of this week Australian Idol's 80s Performance show
there is also this idol blog bout Lee Harding here..
while watching "Spirited Away", can't help thinking.. i should re-watch "Kamisama" - God, please give me more time (starring: Kyoko Fukada and Takeshi Kaneshiro)... when i watched it last time, i didn't understand anything... (it has Japanese audio and Chinese subtitle - which i can't really read except for I, you, we, they, love :P) and i still find it very enjoyable to watch.. so this time i wanna watch it and understand it.. which means that i'm gonna need english subtitle.. =)
so.. that's my next task i guess...
huahhhhhh... okie dokie.. going to bed now... =)
till the next entry.. enjoy!

Saturday, October 15, 2005

felicity, body balance, sarah mclachlan

... the links between these three things... are that they made up my weekend... =D
been watching felicity for a while now... i'm up to the 12th episode of the first season.. this particular episode is all about friends... a very well done one indeed... actually, the three episodes of felicity (from 10 to 12) have been really nice to watch.. =) there were some lines of the 12th episode which i really like.. i've post them up prior to this entry...
visit the site (a felicity page)
mmm spent my friday evening watching felicity... today went to chadstone and did a little bit of shopping hehehe when i say a little bit, i might have understated it a bit... :P bought a 3/4 black pant from bardot... so pretty!! and 2 necklaces + 1 bracelet... LOVEEEEEEEE the bracelet so much!!! =D bought couple tops as well soooooo... no more shopping for me :P at least not for a week *LOL*
n then... went to body balance... a group exercise class which combines the best moves from tai chi, pilates and yoga... find it kinda interesting, but the moves are rather funny :P enjoyed it anyway... it was a great way to calm my 'stressed-out' mind =) though so far, i still enjoy pilates most..
in the class, during one of the stretch track, we listened to this song by sarah mclachlan - in the arms of an angel... the combination of great sound system and the big room, with me lying down, doing the stretches.. the whole thing felt so soothing... i let my mind drifted away and simply think lightly about all sorts of things...
i came out of the class feeling different.. calm and rejuvenated...
exactly what i needed...

" felicity 1st season 12th episode "

Dear Felicity...

At the risk of completely destroying your image of me, i cheated on john once.
It was 6 months into out relationship.
It was an ex boyfriend, and half way into it i suddenly remembered why we broke up in the first place and why i love john so much
the thing is john would have never found out about it...
Except that after 3 months i couldn't take the guilt anymore and i told him.
I never used to believe that an affair could do anything but destroy a relationship...
But from that moment on, I'd never lie to him again, not even about the smallest things.
Sometimes in a relationship, going through hell isn't so bad if you come out of it a little stronger. The same is true about friends.

- Sally

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

now vs back then

just now, i came across my own post back in the thesis days and i briefly skim through it.. and i was reading that, i can't help but thinking.. how much have i changed from then to now.. not physically, but more the way i think and so on..
i feel that there's something different.. bout the way my mind work back then and now, but i can't even tell what it is... even the way i wrote the post back then is different to my current posts...
it makes me wonder, have i changed for the better or the worse?
i can't even tell.. i just now that something inside of me is different...

well, it's not a surprising thing.. people do change, don't they? as we moved on in our life and meet different sorts of people and come across all sorts of different things... we must have somehow changed...
i imagine people are like those dough thing (similar to stress ball, but the one which you can shape according to ur taste, with funny pair of eyes :P)... we are shaped by the environment that surround us...
mmm the current environment surrounding me are quite good.. so i guess i must have changed for the better? hahaha.. not sure...

anyway.. this is just another one of my pop-up thoughts...
^.^ have a nice day people..

iVillage Mind Body Challenge intro

I'm progressing well in my self improvement project. :P
Been routinely going to the gym (well, only for a week, but hey! I'm still going to go for, mmm at least the next couple weeks :P).
I've also accepted the iVillage 6-Weeks Mind Body Challenge here. It's Free!!! =)
So far, it's interesting. It says by signing up you'll get:
  • Six weeks of day-by-day activities that will introduce you to yoga, meditation, positive thinking and relaxation techniques

  • A customized program created and led by experienced yoga instructor and mind-body expert Kate Hanley, who will be on hand as your coach to answer questions throughout the Challenge

  • Daily inspirations and tips on reducing stress and restoring your spirit

  • Round-the-clock support and advice from your coach, the iVillage team and thousands of fellow participants

  • A community message board where you can talk to others about your progress and share your frustrations and success

Well... :P The first day's task for the first week is to look for a sanctuary in your home and sit there for 10 minutes.. which is not that bad.. =) I'll follow this later today and comment on it later on.. I've started sort of late.. so I'll have to the second day task on the same day as the first day... :P I'll put up another post later tonite when I've done both tasks :)...

Sunday, October 09, 2005

my weekend in a flash

upss.. another monday is coming up... hehe.. it has been sooooooooooooooo quick!!!!
ugh... tough one... watch 2 episodes of felicity today.. these are two very good ones... the one where Noel draw the line on what Felicity can discuss with him... and the one where something really big happened to Julie...
yesterday went shopping the whole day... had lotssss of fun.. but at the same time also wasted lotssss of money hehe =) well it's sort of expected isn't it? not much to tell... been thinking a lot lately.. but the thoughts are those i found hard to form into sentences.. more of random thoughts which keep on popping up here n there n make me think hard n then all of sudden just puff.. gone hehe =)
yesterday had sort of an argument with one of my bro... tough one... well.. hopefully somehow.. i've made my point... the main thing that i wanna post today is this lyrics of the song sang by Frank Sinatra... heard it in the Australian Idol today and really love the lyrics.. =) i won't usually post lyrics in this blog (cause i've got another one for these), but ... i'll make an exception for this... ;)

all the way
by: Frank Sinatra

When somebody loves you
It’s no good unless he loves you - all the way
Happy to be near you
When you need someone to cheer you - all the way

Taller than the tallest tree is
That’s how it’s got to feel
Deeper than the deep blue see is
That’s how deep it goes - if it’s real

When somebody needs you
It’s no good unless he needs you - all the way
Through the good or lean years
And for all the in between years - come what may

Who know where the road will lead us
Only a fool would say
But if you’ll let me love you
It’s for sure I’m gonna love you - all the way, all the way

Friday, October 07, 2005

desperate and determination

well.. i always know that eventually this word will come back into my life..
determination was a big challenge for me back in the time when i was writting my thesis.. and since then, well nothing has really challenged me to that level.. work has been challenging at some stages, but i can always stop thinking bout those challenges as soon as it's the end of the day.. so it's different..
back when it was the thesis days... it was constantly in my mind.. well.. not the thesis hehe but more the thought that i have a thesis due soon.. hehe
anyway... i've got to learn to be more determined again.. and this time it's to improve both my fitness and my personal life.. =) it's not that i desperately need the improvement.. but i prefer to be working toward something.. so that i'm not wasting my time.. throughout this year of 2005.. i've been working hard in improving stuffs in my life that i can think of.. and i wanna keep that up.. =)
the thing is.. to me, it is so much easier to improve something that DESPERATEly needs improvement.. that sort of provide me with the determination that i need..
whereas i find trying to bring something at its OK stage to its GREAT stage highly challenging..
i've always found trouble with them :P hehehe..

" Seeds of Thoughts " by Ralph Marston

Thoughts of anger attract more anger. Thoughts of goodness attract more goodness.
Thoughts of accomplishment enable you to see that accomplishment in every detail. And whatever you can see, you can find a way to be.
Thoughts of peace truly make you more peaceful. And that can lead those around you to carry peaceful thoughts as well.Thoughts begin on the inside and quickly flow outward. The thoughts you hold in this moment will soon spread far beyond you.
The thoughts you send forth will eventually find their way back to you, yet by that time they will be much more than just thoughts. Those thoughts will return as circumstances, objects, challenges, opportunities and achievements.
Your thoughts attract more of whatever you think, because life has a dependable way of multiplying and manifesting them. So choose to always hold the most positive, enriching thoughts, and from those seeds a beautiful garden will grow.
-- Ralph Marston
Copied from

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

" Purposeful Moments " by Ralph Marston

When you have a reason, you can find a way. When you know why, you can figure out how.
The more compelling the reason, the more magnificent the level of accomplishment it supports. The more meaningful the reason, the more powerfully it will drive you to new heights.
Seek to know and fully understand why you do what you do. And the effectiveness of what you do will improve dramatically.
Live each moment in the purpose of a powerful vision. And those purposeful moments will bring great value to your world.
With a strong reason, the obstacles cannot stop you. With a strong reason, the setbacks will be unable to dissuade you.
Get clear about the reason for whatever you set out to do. And you will indeed get it done.
-- Ralph Marston
Copied from

Monday, October 03, 2005

my 2nd japanese class

A: hajimemashite
B: hajimemashite
A: onamae wa nan desu ka
B: Shelvia desu
A: nani jin desu ka
B: Indonesia jin desu
A: dorichi kara desu ka
B: Meruborun kara desu
A: doozoo yoroshiku
B: doozoo yoroshiku

change of mind

sigh.. i'm such indecisive.. change my mind almost every hour...
well, i used to blog at the spoke (here) and then i start blogging @ (my pensieve) and then i moved back to the spoke and now i'm moving back here... but this time it's for good... i'm going to keep the spoke one though... for the more technical entries...
in addition to those, i've got another blog a chatterbox's 'kankyou' where i post about songs' lyrics, books excerpt, movies quotes or other inspirational quotes... ^.^
3 blogs for a person sound too greedy hmm ;p
well... if i chuck them all together, they just don't feel that rite.. mmm to be honest, that and the fact that i can't be bothered to paste all the stuffs from the spoke back here.. maybe one day i'll get into doing that :P haha..

till next post..

Sunday, October 02, 2005

" quotes "

Habit converts luxurious enjoyments into dull and daily necessities.
-- Aldous Huxley

This is soooo true... I used to think I'd enjoyed eating out everyday.. turns out.. it becomes not fun after a month... anything done ritually will lost its attractiveness and luxurious feeling... don't u think? :)

Thursday, September 29, 2005

" lines from felicity 106 "

"is it harder to count on someone or
to know that you are the one being counted upon?"

"if equal affection can not be...
let the more loving one be me..."

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

^ harry potter and the half-blood prince ^

an excerpt from Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince page 479:

"But he understood at last what Dumbledore had been trying to tell him. It was, he thought, the difference between being dragged into the arena to fact a battle to the death and walking into the arena with your head held high. Some people, perhaps, would say that there was little to choose between the two ways, but Dumbledore knew - and so do I, thought Harry, with a rush of fierce pride, and so did my parents - that there was all the difference in the world."

a very well written paragraph indeed... ^.^

Saturday, September 10, 2005

^ harry potter and the order of the phoenix ^

the following is an excerpt from the harry potter and the order of the phoenix...
i really like this part a lot.. but reading this will also unveiled things that you might not wanna know if you haven't read the book and planning to read it... so..
if you wanna read them.. highlight them and it should show you what's written =)

the following paragraph, to me is one of the best ever written...

it's a really good book to read... in fact... the whole series.. up to this fifth book.. has been a great read... no wonder one of work colleague read the book twice... =)

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

# when i see you smile - bad english #

When I See You Smile
by Bad English

Sometimes I wonder
How I'd ever make it through,
Through this world without having you
I just wouldn't have a clue

'Cause sometimes it seems
Like this world's closing in on me,
And there's no way of breaking free
And then I see you reach for me

Sometimes I wanna give up
I wanna give in, I wanna quit the fight
And then I see you, baby
And everything's alright, everything's alright

When I see you smile
I can face the world, oh oh, you know I can do anything
When I see you smile
I see a ray of light, oh oh, I see it shining right through the rain
When I see you smile
Oh yeah, baby when I see you smile at me

Baby there's nothing
in this world that could ever do
What a touch of your hand can do
It's like nothing that I ever knew

And when the rain is falling
I don't feel it, 'cause you're here with me now
And one look at you baby
Is all I'll ever need, you're all I'll ever need


Sometimes I wanna give up
I wanna give in, I wanna quit the fight
And then I see you baby
And everything's alright, everything's alright

So right...

Thursday, August 25, 2005

^ the oc musiques ^

if, like me, you watched the oc and think "wow... great background songs" and wonders..
mmm... what's the title and who's singing?

well... if you're like me, please visit !!!

e n j o y....

# the special two - missy higgins #

the special two
by: missy higgins

I've hardly been outside my room in days,
'cause I don't feel that I deserve the sunshine's rays.
The darkness helped until the whiskey wore away,
And it's then I realize the conscience never fades.
When you're young you have this image of your life:
That you'll be scrupulous and one day even make a wife.
And you make boundaries you'd never dream to cross,
And if you happen to you wake completely lost.
But I will fight for you, be sure that
I will fight until we're the special two once again.

And we will only need each other, we'll bleed together,
Our hands would not be taught to hold another's,
When we were the special two.
And we could only see each other, we'd bleed together,
These arms will not be taught to need another,
'Cause we were the special two.

I remember someone old once said to me:
"Lies will lock you up with truth the only key."
But I was comfortable and warm inside my shell,
And couldn't see this place would soon become my hell.
So is it better to tell and hurt or lie to save their face?
Well I guess the answer is don't do it in the first place.
I know I'm not deserving of your trust from you right now,
But if by chance you change your mind you know I will not
Let you down 'cause we were the special two, and will be again.


I step outside my mind's eye's for a minute.
And I look over me like a doctor looking for disease,
Or something that could ease the pain.
But nothing cures the hurt you, you bring on by yourself,
Just remembering, just remembering how we were...

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

# Maybe I'm Amazed - Jem #

Maybe I'm Amazed
by: Paul McCartney
as performed by: Jem
(thanks to the Anonymous who informed me of this =D)

Maybe I'm Amazed At The Way You Love Me All The Time
Maybe I'm Afraid Of The Way I Love You
Maybe I'm Amazed At The Way You Pulled Me Out Of Time
And Hung Me On A Line
Maybe I'm Amazed At The Way I Really Need You

Maybe I'm A Girl And Maybe I'm A Lonely Girl
Who's In The Middle Of Something
That She Doesn't Really Understand

Maybe I'm A Girl And Maybe You're The Only Man
Who Could Ever Help Me
Baby Won't You Help Me Understand

Maybe I'm Amazed At The Way You're With Me All The Time
Maybe I'm Afraid Of The Way I Leave You
Maybe I'm Amazed At The Way You Help Me Sing My Song
Right Me When I'm Wrong
Maybe I'm Amazed At The Way I Really Need You


Maybe I'm Amazed At The Way You're With Me All The Time
Maybe I'm Afraid Of The Way I Leave You
Maybe I'm Amazed At The Way You Help Me Sing My Song
Right Me When I'm Wrong
Maybe I'm Amazed At The Way I Really Need You

Sunday, August 21, 2005

# bad day - daniel powter #

bad day
by: daniel powter

Where is the moment we needed the most
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
They tell me your blue skies fade to grey
They tell me your passion's gone away
And I don't need no carryin' on

You stand in the line just to hit a new low
You're faking a smile with the coffee to go
You tell me your life's been way off line
You're falling to pieces everytime
And I don't need no carryin' on

Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

Well you need a blue sky holiday
The point is they laugh at what you say
And I don't need no carryin' on

(Oh.. Holiday..)

Sometimes the system goes on the brink
And the whole thing turns out wrong
You might not make it back and you know
That you could be well oh that strong
And I'm not wrong

So where is the passion when you need it the most
Oh you and I
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost

You had a bad day
Had a bad day (repeat)

Saturday, August 20, 2005

^ the oc - season 1 episode 19 ^

Sandy: but you're not gonna give up on him
Marissa: but he wants me to
Sandy: only because he expects you to, it's crazy, love is crazy it's always challenging, it's never easy
Marissa: yeah.. but is it always this hard?
Sandy: sometimes.. but you hang in there anyway... if you're having the worst fight in the world, or even some stupid argument that you cannot even remember what it's about.. because it's worth it... u guys have been through so much already, why quit now?

this episode and the 18th episode is by far the best that i've seen in it =)
hate to admit, but i sort of enjoying watching it, eventhough i thought i wouldn't :P

# with you - jessica simpson #

with you
by: jessica simpson

The real me is a southern girl with her Levis on and an open heart
Wish I could say the save the world, like I was super girl
The real me is to laugh all night lying in the grass just talking about love
But lately I've been jaded life got so complicated

I'm still thinking about it almost forgot what it was like
Do you know what it feels like?

Cause with you
I can let my hair down
I can say anything crazy
I know you'll catch me right before I hit the ground
With nothing but a T-shirt on
I never felt so beautiful
Baby as I do now
Now that I'm with you
With you
Now that I'm with you
You speak and it's like a song

And just like that all my walls come down
It's like a private joke just meant for us to know
I relate to you naturally
Everybody else just fades away
Sometimes it's hard to breathe
Just knowing you found me
Cuz I'm still thinking about it almost forgot what it was like
Do you know what it feels like?


Come and take me
Love you save me
Like nobody else
Now I can be myself
With you


Wednesday, August 17, 2005

# stay - lisa loeb #

You say I only hear what I want to.
You say I talk so all the time so.
And I thought what I felt was simple,
and I thought that I don't belong,
and now that I am leaving,
now I know that I did something wrong 'cause I missed you.
Yeah yeah, I missed you.

And you say I only hear what I want to:
I don't listen hard,
don't pay attention to the distance that you're running
to anyone, anywhere,
I don't understand if you really care,
I'm only hearing negative: no, no, no.

So I turned the radio on, I turned the radio up,
and this woman was singing my song:
lover's in love, and the other's run away,
lover is crying 'cause the other won't stay.
Some of us hover when we weep for the other who was
dying since the day they were born.
Well, well, this is not that;
I think that I'm throwing, but I'm thrown.
And I thought I'd live forever, but now I'm not so sure.
You try to tell me that I'm clever,
but that won't take me anyhow, or anywhere with you.

You said that I was naive,
and I thought that I was strong.
I thought, "hey, I can leave, I can leave."
Oh, but now I know that I was wrong, 'cause I missed you.
Yeah, I miss you.
You said, "I caught you 'cause I want you and one day I'll let you go."
You try to give away a keeper, or keep me 'cause you know you're just
scared to lose.

And you say, "Stay."
And you say I only hear what I want to.

# goin crazy - natalie #

Goin Crazy
by Natalie

Ever since the day you went away
And left me lonely and cold
My life just hasn't been the same
Oh baby no
When I looked into your eyes
The moment that I let you go I just broke down (down)

Baby if I ever get the chance to be with you again I would sacrifice
'Cause the feelin that I feel within no other man
Would ever make me feel so right

It's nice to smile when I get your phone call at night
But I'd rather have you here with me
Right next to me
And I miss the way you hold me in your sight

I've got to let you know I feel so weak without your touch
I never thought that I could ever love a man so much
I've gotta let you know I think that we are destiny
For you I'd cross the world for you
I'd do anything

That's right baby
I'm goin' crazy
I need to be your lady
I've been thinking lately
That you and me, yes we can make it
Just ride with me, roll with me
I'm in love with you (baby)


Break it down now I'll tell you what I feel
From the moment that I met you it's been so damn real
My heart seems to skip another beat every time we speak
Can't believe I feel so weak
Tell me that you really need me
And you want me
And you miss me
And you love me
I'm your lady
I'll be around waiting for you
Put it down be the woman for you
I'm falling so deep for you
Crazy over you I'm calling
Callin' out to you
What am I gonna do?
It's true no frontin'
It's you ain't no other
I can no longer go on without you
I'll just break down (down)

I've got to let you know I feel so weak without your touch
I never thought that I could ever love a man so much
I've gotta let you know I think that we are destiny
For you I'd cross the world for you
I'd do anything


ooo, crazy,(ooo)
lady (ooo)
lately (ooo)

^ the pianist ^

just finished watching "the pianist"... Adrian Brody played as Wladyslaw Szpilman in it.. Eddy, my friend at work lend it to me.... it's telling a story about a pianist who by luck survived the World War II but lost his whole family.. the movie show how he moved from places to places with the help of some of his friends from the past....

the movie showed the cruelty, the desperation, the effect this effents have on people... and to think that what actually happens in the World War II is very similar or even worse than this...
sigh... i wonder... what would i do if i were to experience this? am i a survivor? as much as i'd like to think so, i gave up on snowboarding after my first try... but i guess it's different, when it's our life, our presence in this world which is at stake... but yeah.. is it just me or all of us actually quietly wonders, are we a survivor? can i survive like what Adrian Brody has eventhough he's left with nothing? would i even struggle to survive when i have to drink from a filthy bucket?
and if i wouldn't... does that makes me a coward or a loser or whatever it's called?

anyway... back to the movie, to me it's kinda long and dragging at some points... but the actors and screenplays are great.. so if you've got some time, it's definitely worth watching... and the fact that this gave an insight to what has actually happened historically... it makes me realise how lucky i am... with everything that i've got... why do some of us still complains?

well i guess it's a human nature to want more.. as long as it's in moderation....

and another moral story from the movie, i guess we can't judge someone based on their race or anything, cause everyone that we don't know have the same odd of being a bad or a nice person... and when we start judging from the look, everything start to became wrong...
but then again... it's just my own opinion...

" a few motivator by Ralph S Marston, Jr & others "

"This place, this moment, this life situation is your starting point. Build on it and you can go wherever you choose."
-- Daily Motivator @

Build on it
You know what to expect from yourself. What if you expected a little bit more?
You're comfortable with how much you can accomplish. What if you decided to accomplish a little bit more?
Where you are is a great place to be. Because you can start from where you are and expand upon it.
You can take what you've been doing, and do it a little better. You can take what you know, and use it as a basis for learning more.
There are certain areas of life in which you've been successful. And now you have an opportunity to build on that success.
This place, this moment, this life situation is your starting point. Build on it, and you can go wherever you choose.
-- Ralph Marston

Do it right
It usually takes longer to do it right. And yet when you do it right it lasts much longer too.
It usually takes more effort to do it right. And yet when you do it right the effort is never wasted.
Often, you have to go against the crowd if you are to do it right. And yet, in time, the world will come to appreciate and value what you have done.
You will probably have to make short-term sacrifices in order to do it right. Yet the long-term, continuing benefits you receive are well worth the cost.
People who would rather take shortcuts will resent you for doing it right. Yet they will come to understand your wisdom when their own shortsightedness fails them.
It takes initiative and courage to do it right. And in return you attain a level of achievement that cannot be reached any other way.
-- Ralph Marston

A solid foundation
Life is busy and the world is complex. Give yourself time to take it all in.
Events come at you quickly, and keep coming all the time. Regularly give yourself the time and space to make sense of it all.
When you get too caught up in your efforts, you can lose track of why you're making them. Take the time, again and again in the midst of it all, to remember why you do what you do.
Keep yourself connected to the reality of who you are. Don't allow yourself to be defined by the events that come and go, for that would leave you with nothing solid to hold on to.
Cultivate and nurture a part of yourself that can rise above whatever may come. Then you will have a powerful perspective from which to deal with it all.
Make sure your life has a solid foundation in what is real, in what is lasting, in what is meaningful to you. And then nothing will have the power to overwhelm you for long.
-- Ralph Marston

and this one from someone else...

"If you have made mistakes...
there is always another chance for you...
you may have a fresh start any moment you choose,
for this thing we call "failure" is not the falling down,
but the staying down."
-- Mary Pickford (1893-1979) Canadian Actress

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

" It's a mistake! by Tom Walsh "

I can really make use of the following passage by Tom Walsh currently..

"I've made a lot of big mistakes in my life. I've hurt people, I've broken things, I've neglected to fulfill responsibilities, I've said stupid things, I've hurt people by saying stupid things--you name it, I've been there. Fortunately, as I grow older I recognize situations that are just waiting for mistakes a little earlier than I used to, and I'm able to avoid making many of the same mistakes that I've made before. Many, not all.

But one of the most liberating aspects of my life these days is the fact that I'm now able to accept my mistakes for what they are--mistakes. Not crimes (in my case, anyway), and not horrible actions that will lead to complete social stigmatization, but just mistakes. I used to beat myself up over them, and my own mental beatings after the mistakes were much worse than the mistake itself, or anything that anyone else could have done to me as a result of the mistake.

It used to be that if I said something hurtful, I'd feel that the person I hurt never would want to talk to me again, that the person would reject me completely for the rest of my life. The reality of the situation, though, was that most of the time, the other person forgot about it pretty quickly, and I was still agonizing over the response of someone who wasn't even thinking of what I did any more.

I'd also be afraid that once someone saw me make a mistake, that person wouldn't trust me any longer. It was pretty awful, because just like in the previous example, most people forgot about my mistake pretty quickly--or at least, they weren't holding it against me.

The time and energy that I wasted agonizing over what were almost always minor mistakes could have been spent much more effectively on pursuits other than making myself miserable.

Nowadays, though, mistakes are an important part of my life, for they have a very positive effect on me now--at least two very positive effects that I can think of.

First off, they help me to learn. Once I make a mistake now, I own it--I admit it and I look at it to figure out what went wrong. As a teacher, it's very important for me to know what goes into a mistake, both for my sake and for the sake of anyone that I'm able to teach about mistakes. I learn a lot from my mistakes--I learn how things shouldn't be done, I learn how I often misjudge situations or people, and I learn that I can't foresee all results of my actions.

Secondly, mistakes keep me humble, for they always provide me with an opportunity to offer a heartfelt apology. Apologies are an invitation for forgiveness, and forgiveness is a positive aspect of anyone's life. Once I apologize for a mistake I've made, my relationship with the other person or people strengthens, as long as the other parties are willing to accept the apology.

I no longer agonize over mistakes, and I recognize now just how harmful my own thoughts were when I used to do that. I kind of wish that I had some of the lost time and energy back, but I know that the agonizing was another mistake, one that took me a little bit longer to learn from.

Take risks and make your mistakes--you're human, and you're bound to make mistakes. When you do make them, learn from them, and accept them as a part of your life, a part of who you are and who you'll be. My guess is that nobody gets through this life without making an extremely high number of mistakes, and you're no exception. Another guess of mine is that the wisest among us are those who have made the most mistakes and who have owned up to and learned from them all. Your road to wisdom isn't in a book--it's in your own mistakes!"

-- Tom Walsh @ Living Live Fully (

I guess it helps to realise that, after all, i am only human...

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

" be yourself by anonymous "

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
-- anonymous

" persist by Ralph S Marton, Jr "


When you're tired and your energy is gone, when problems pile on top of problems, and you don't know where you will get the strength to keep going, that is when the race is almost won.

When you've encountered every obstacle that you could possibly have imagined, and then been faced with many more, you're rapidly approaching your goal.

That is when a little bit more persistence can make a big, big difference. The longer you persevere, the more likely is your success. Each challenge you meet serves to solidify your achievement.

The exhaustion you feel is priming you for the sweet taste of accomplishment which is to come. Keep going for as long as it takes. The steeper the climb, the closer you are to the summit. Persist, especially now.

Copyright Ralph S. Marston, Jr. Used by permission. From The Daily Motivator® at

Sunday, July 31, 2005

# in love with you - jacky cheung & regine #

in love with you
by: jacky cheung & regine

Just A Gentle Whisper Told Me That You'd Gone
Leaving Only Memories; Where Did We Go Wrong?
I Couldn't Find The Words Then So Let Me Say Them Now
I'm Still In Love With You

Tell Me That You Love Me, Tell Me That You Care
Tell Me That You Need Me And I'll Be There
I'll Be There Waitin'...
I Will Always Love You, I Will Always Stay True
No One Else Will Love You Like I Do

Come To Me Now
I Will Never Leave You, I Will Stay Here With You
Through The Good And Bad I Will Stand True
I'm In Love With You...

Now We're Here Together, Yesterday Has Past
Life Is Just Beginning, Close To You At Last
And I Promise To You, I Will Always Be There
I Give My All To You

Living Life Without You, Is More Than I Can Bear...
Hold Me Close Forever... And I'll Be There...
I'll Be There For You

I Will Always Love You, I Will Always Stay True
No One Else Will Love You Like I Do
This I Promise

I Will Never Leave You, I Will Stay Here With You
Through The Good And Bad I Will Stand True
Hold Me Closer

Our Love Is Forever, Holding Us Together
Nothing In This World Can Stop Us Now
Love Has Found...
Love Has Found... A Way... Yeah...

I'm In Love... I'm So In Love...
Ooh, I'm In Love... Yes, I'm In Love...
Ooh... Ha...... I'm So In Love...
With You

Saturday, July 30, 2005

" mistakes & regrets by Ralph S Marston, Jr "

It's done -- July 29, 2005

You made a mistake. Or someone else did. Or perhaps something didn't work out the way it should have.

Whatever it was, it has been done. No amount of agonizing or criticizing will change that. To wish that it had never happened, or to pretend that it didn't, would be a waste of good experience.

Find a way to make the best of it. You can't go backward in time, only forward. And as you go forward, you always have the opportunity to move yourself ahead, regardless of what has happened before.

Make the best of what you have and stop worrying about how you got it. Accept that what's done is done, and focus on the future. Put your energy and effort where they can make a difference, and they will.

Copyright Ralph S. Marston, Jr. Used by permission. From The Daily Motivator® at

# the day i fall in love - james ingram & dolly parton #

the day i fall in love
by: james ingram & dolly parton

Just an ordinary day
Started out the same old way
Then I looked into your eyes and knew
Today would be a first for me
The day I fall in love

On the day I fall in love
Sky will be a perfect blue
And I'll give my heart forever more
To someone who is just like you
The day I fall in love

People all say love is wonderful
That the bells will ring
The birds will sing
The skies will open
I wonder where's that great big symphony
Roll over Beethoven
Won't you play with me

And I'll never promise to be true to anyone
Unless it's you
Unless it's you
The day I fall in love


Just an ordinary day
Started out the same old way
Then I looked into your eyes and knew
Today will be a first for me
A first for me
The day I fall in love
I know you'll be there
Oh....I know...
The day I fall in love

Friday, July 22, 2005

" quote: coach carter "

What is our deepest fear?

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine as children do.
It's not just in some of us; it is in everyone.
And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

-- Coach Carter (2005)

Sunday, July 17, 2005

" random love quotes "

"... and I think I'd miss you even if we'd never met."
-- Wedding Date, The

"I'd rather fight with you than make love to anybody else"
-- Wedding Date, The

For you see, each day I love you more - today more than yesterday and less than tomorrow.
-- Rosemonde Gerard

All love that has not friendship for its base, Is like a mansion built upon the sand.
-- Ella Wheeler Wilcox

Love is not blind - it sees more, not less. But because it sees more, it is willing to see less.
-- Julins Gordon

We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love.
-- Tom Robbins