Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Searching …

I am a 24-year-old female who live with a younger sister and two younger brothers in a two-level two-bedroom one-bathroom tiny apartment. Lately, I spend most of my spare time doing joyful nothing or joyful something with a special guy. I work as a Software Consultant in Melbourne. I don’t study anymore but would love to if I find something that can hook me in long enough.

Like many others, I try to be good – try to work hard – try to go to the gym – sometimes (when I remember) – I try to eat healthily – try very hard not to spend more than I earn – try to keep in touch with the people that mean a lot to me – try to keep my mortgage payment going. Along with all these efforts, I also try to have fun – live my life in joy – do the things I want to do or try to do.

I always have lots in mind (not sure if it’s only me or it’s the same across the nations). Random things keep popping up. That’s where my PDA comes in. I have all sorts of calendars; reminders; tasks to do in there. It has my entire life written on it; I think.

Today it strikes me – why do I; a 24-year-old ‘single’ female software-developer (i.e. neither a manager nor in the business area!!!); need a PDA so much? It’s not even for work!!! Is it the low memory capacity of my brain? Is it my lack of organizing skill? Why is it with my massive desperate attempts to be organized I feel that I am still so far from it? Why do I feel the need to keep track of everything – when really; I rarely have the need to look back?

PDA is just one little proof of my desperate attempt to be organized. The amount of paper works that I have will tell you how crazy I am about these things. I have receipt of a grocery shopping from the year 2005 at Coles Supermarket! Receipt from Ikea shopping in 2004. The number of links I have on my various bookmarks. Gosh – I’m such a crazy junk collector.

So – what is it am I yapping about?

Lately, I’ve been thinking about going on a-year-long holiday in New York. Or move somewhere for a while. Do something different at work. I thought I’m bored with my life. Now I think it’s not so much the boredom; it’s more the desire to run away from my life. I want to reset my life. Just like when I play Tetris-like games; when I do something wrong early-ish in the game; I like to press reset – so I can start again – properly. Unfortunately, there is no reset button in life.

I’ve been trying to live an organized life. It’s very difficult. Everything in my life moves so fast. 24-hours-a-day is just not enough. The bins at home are filled up just right after I throw away the trash. The washing needs to be done when I just finished folding the last load of clothes. I’m tired of chores popping up before I even finish the current chores. I receive new bills just right after I paid last month’s bills. I keep buying new books (when I still got at least 10 books that I haven't read at home!) - Yes, I know this is my fault :P. But hey, even magazines that I subscribe to become a chore! The new issue always arrives before I finished the last issue. Everything keep piling up!!! 7-days-a-week is not enough (especially if you spend the 5 days at work). Nothing is ever enough!!!

***Deep Breathe***

… Balance

I need Balance.

I’m going to go on a little “soft reset my life” project. I’m going to make a big list that I’m going to finish in a month time. I’m going to start cleaning up things; throw away my junks; tidy up my precious things. I’m going to make new simple routines of tidying up. I'm going to stop collecting junks. I’m going to contain my ever growing to-do lists. Do the things I need to do and I want to do. I’m going to try to stop being so psycho about everything. Then, hopefully my mind will finally experience being at peace for once!!! :P

Wish me luck.

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