"In Love" ... aspirations from reading

yennie said ...

"To love means never to be afraid of the windstorms of life; should you shield the canyons from the windstorms you would never see the beauty of the carvings."
by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, b.1926 Swiss-born American Psychiatrist and writer

I really like this quote... I can totally relate to what she's saying and I think it is very important for me to be reminded of this right now...

Here's an excerpt which I really like from The Memory Keeper's Daughter by Kim Edwards ...

... Caroline herself could feel a dull scratching deep in her throat as she called the next patient, an elderly gentleman whose cold would worsen in the next weeks, turning into the pneumonia that would finally kill him. Rupert Dean. He was sitting in the leather armchair, fighting a nosebleed, and he stood up slowly, stuffing his cloth handkerchief, with its vivid spots of blood, into his pocket. When he reached the desk he handed Caroline a photograph in a dark blue cardboard frame. It was a portrait, black and white, faintly tinted. The woman looking out wore a pale peach sweater. Her hair was gently waved, her eyes a deep shade of blue. Rupert Dean's wife, Emelda, dead now for twenty years. "She was the love of my life," he announced to Caroline, his voice so loud that people looked up. ...

In the March 2007 issue of Self magazine, Sheryl Crow said "I think you're at your best when truly your first love is for yourself and all other love stems from that. I've been really good at loving other people, but you get a little shortchanged when that comes above yourself."

I learnt from my previous relationships, I've been really loved but the way the relationship goes makes me unable to love myself.. The whole time, I thought something must be wrong with me. I kept trying to find the reason I become the kind of person who would take as much as possible without giving in the relationship..
Is it stupid to actually want to be able give as much as take?
Some people tell me that it's better to be loved more than loving someone more..
I don't quite agree with that. I've been there. Strangely, when people tells me how lucky I am to have someone who love me THAT much, I was envying other girls who willingly compromise for their partners. I guess in the end, it's a personal preference. Glad at least I know now, that's not how I wanted it.

Sheryl Crow also said in the same issue of Self... "Giving people the opportunity to really be there for you is a blessing for them as well as for yourself."

Outside of love relationship, I have always understand the blessing of being given the opportunity to really be there for someone else... But I need to learn to better understand that when I give others opportunity to be there for me... It's actually a blessing to them in some ways.... and that some people really WANT to be there for me... :P

Here's another excerpt from another article in the same issue of Self, to conclude my post today...

"Together, Forever" by Martha McPhee
"... In Morocco, on one of our honeymoons, I became drawn to the word inshallah, meaning "if God wills it." I love the simplicity and beauty of this idea. In English, there is no one word that so completely surrenders to fate. I remember this: Mark and I are trying to buy a rug from a merchant - actually, I am trying to buy the rug. Mark is watching me. We are in a small room deep inside the medina in the city of Fez. I barter, and the merchant, a wizened old man, says, "Madame, you are trying to buy a camel for the price of a rooster." I want the rug. I want the man to sell it to me for the rooster price. He is laughing at the fact that I am trying to buy a rug we can't afford, at my desire to pursue that which I should not be pursing. He pulls out his wallet and hands the man the camel price. I think, We need that cash. But the rug is not really what he is buying; he's indulging my dream. I thought then, and I think now: I love this man. I never want to divorce this man. Inshallah."

I'm blissfully happy...
Now I know that I'm capable of being in love with a person, not just being with someone to continue living a 'good life'...
Now when someone said to me 'loving someone means acceptance', I understand...
(Not because the person I love needs to be 'accept-ed' anyway... :P In fact, I love everything about him [so far :P]...)
I'm in love... hope it will lasts... *finger crossed* ^.^

Ciao!

P.S. Happy Birthday my MOST WONDERFUL li'l sis... (... MOST -> I only have one li'l sis :P ...) Love you sis! Hope you'll soon find all the happiness in the world!! Everything else might be over-rated... But you can be sure that happiness is not! :)

Eggs - Cage or Free Range or Barn Laid?

When buying eggs, I'm very much used to choosing the cheapest available in the grocery shop. I don't pay much attention to what it states. I mean, h*ll they're just eggs.. Most of the time, I splatter them in my instant noodle soup, so it's not like I'll taste the difference anyway between the $2.99/dozen and the $6.99/dozen. And, none of my siblings have complained about the way the eggs taste. Why change? Why increase our weekly expense?

Until the time I went shopping recently, a word on the eggs-case-label was pointed out to me by this smart alien I went shopping with... "Cage". What does it mean? Why haven't I seen it before? =) I suppose that's not unusual of me. I don't really read the eggs-case-labels. They seem pretty meaningless to me.

Apparently, they mean something... Some people fought hard for those words to be printed as part of the eggs-case-label. I'm not sure if they haven't done a good job to get people to understand these words or I'm just wayyyyy too ignorant of the things that are happening around the world. Seeing it's me, I'm sure it's more the latter. They do have meaning - as I've just discovered.

An extract from this post stated ...

"Although we're buying fewer cage eggs, about 73 per cent of eggs sold in supermarkets and shops come from caged hens living in sheds. From next year, cage hens will have slightly larger cages in which to spend the 70-odd weeks of their lives. The size of the new cages, housing three or four hens at a time, will give each bird at least 550 square centimetres - better than the previous minimum standard of 450 square centimetres. But it still means a caged chicken's personal space is slightly smaller than a piece of A4 paper - for it's entire life, says Glenys Oogjes of Animals Australia."

When I first heard bout it, I didn't really think much of it. I mean, they're just chickens, not human beings, so it's not like that they can fully digest what they're going through... Also, what is the impact of one single soul like me not buying the cage eggs to the whole business of egg-selling? Deep down, I know how lame this last justification is though. I mean, if everyone think the way I do, the business who sell caged-eggs will keep doing what they're doing. As long as there are demands for these eggs, what would make them stop? And, my first justification of they're just being chickens, that's very bad too... It's bad enough I get to eat them, and their unborn chicks, do I have to harm them in the process too? I guess, it feels less cruel cause the process is not really visible to me.

But, going through this interesting page "The Chicken - All Creatures Animal Exploitation Photo Gallery" definitely makes me realise how cruel it is. Definitely too cruel to save $2-$3 over a dozen of eggs.

The question that remains with me though is ... where to draw the line?

Now I know that buying caged-eggs are wrong; but, aren't eating the chickens/eggs wrong too? What bout eating all the other animals? There's definitely nothing wrong with drinking milk, I suppose, but what about eating their meat? What bout those cute piggies?

It's funny - before I had my precious time with "Cookie"; I wouldn't think much about eating dog meat; (but luckily - I've never tried them!); but since then, imagining people beating dogs and cutting them up is just WRONG! Goodness - he's a friend to me. It feels like they're saying they'll cut up my friend and cook them for me!

So maybe, right now I haven't really been close enough to these animals to feel that it's wrong to eat them, but one day I might change my mind... I can't really force myself into thinking that eating these animals are wrong I supposed. But I for sure know that I don't want to be cruel to chickens in the process of eating their eggs...

I'm happy that I'm learning as the days passed ...
^.^

Pretty Clouds and Jc's Farewell Dinner

The pretty clouds on one lovely Saturday afternoon ....

J-c's farewell dinner at TGI Friday's ...left to right: me, my sis (Shelwin), Jennifer(Je-fer), Stephanie (CouNi), Deasy (Lia), Jessy, Agnes (below Deasy).

The lovely J-c and me :)... going to miss u!!! =(

One by one, they all choose to leave Melbourne... X(

Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol

We'll do it all
Everything
On our own

We don't need
Anything
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel

Those three words,
are said too much
they're not enough
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars

Around our heads

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes
They're all I can see

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things
Will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Me and my crazy head

It's now couple months after one of the biggest change I've had in my life, I am now able to fully digest the things that have happened and my very own decision...

I've spent the past couple months justifying my decision... To my family, my friends and most of the time, to myself... There are times where I wonder why do I feel the need to justify it. Isn't it supposed to be my life? Well - I can't really blame anyone but me, it's more me who always feel that I need to explain myself.

During one of the discussions with my gal-pals today, we come across the topic of changes and being content with what we have. Lia asked Jc if "something" better comes up in place of "something" that she already have, would she take up the offer. She said no. She has always been a very nice and easy-going person who know what she wants and happy with what she's got. Lia was @.@ (slightly confused that she wouldn't). I can quite understand Jc's point though... I mean there's no such thing as better (especially when it comes to people); there are differences; plus-es and minus-es; person A might have points that person B doesn't have and vice versa. When I explained that, I was asked "Why did I decide to make that change if it's not because the new thing is better?" I have to say I was a bit surprised by the question... so took me a little while to answer but when I think bout it... it's not because the new thing is better; but it's because i like the new thing more and i think it suits me more...

I hope... that's the last justification I have to make for that decision of mine. I'm getting tired of the whole justifying scenarios..... It makes me wish I can be more like some people who just do what they want and not justifying it.

I feel like I've spend my whole life trying my best to do the right thing (according to people around me); and I was doing fine... and then when one time I decided to do something that's not considered 'right' - I feel that this one action changes their view of me. I feel I'm being judged for my last decision. I feel the need to make it up to them. And then I try to make it up to them by doing other 'right' things. But I feel they are still not willing to let go of this decision of mine. I almost feel that they want me to take back my decision. Revert them. Or is it just me and my paranoid thoughts? Maybe deep down, I wanted to take back my decision and I'm trying to blame it on these people?

The thing is... Consciously I think I've done the right thing. For me. At least for now. I'm happy. Happy with my decision. Or at least I think I am.

But, subconsciously... I feel that maybe I might regret making this dramatic change. I've been trying to suppress it. I've talked to people. That helped a bit. But I can't keep talking about the same thing again and again.. I'll start to sound like a broken record. And I don't want that. But at the same time, I can't get it out of my head though... Not unless I can find the answers to my questions... My brain will continue to wonder... What's right for me?

Sigh... It's just another day with me and my crazy head...

One sunny day...

Just finished watching the OC's season finale...
The O.C., some people see it as merely soap opera with pretty people in it, but to me, it is a very nice TV series which has been able to make its point of how powerful love can be... Watching the series has been an interesting journey... Some of the words the characters have said, the feelings the characters have felt, the situations they're in... felt so real to me...
They have taught me to look at things differently... and most importantly, that things do not have to work out the first time around... Interestingly, the last couple episodes have also pointed out how love can bring people together; the blood family or the family we've formed while living out life... I really like how they wrapped up the show...
Life is a journey... To live it to the fullest, we'll need to be able to balance between learning from the past, put it behind us; living in the present; and planning for the future...

I'm one of those lucky people - who have always been surrounded by great people who love me for who I am - most of the time.. I have/am/will always be grateful for that :)
Over the time though, there is this one hiccup that keep coming back to bug me. It comes from different people, but it's essentially the same thing... I didn't think much of it at first; but since it keeps coming back; I will have to at least try to figure out how to deal with it best...
...
I feel that I have the tendency to get people to get a tiny bit dependant towards me.. Mmmm dependant is not the right word... Attached - is the better word.. Between me and the people that I love.. the attachment itself is not a problem...
Mmm.. how shall I put this?
I don't know if their expectations have gone up, or have I started giving them less of me.. Somehow, somewhere along the line, they give me the feeling that I have failed them.. I have failed giving them what I'm supposed to give them... I really do not like this feeling.. I mean, who would enjoy failing someone close to them? Then, I'll try to give more, so we are okay... until it happens again... We're somehow in the same circled story line... Until this person gave up on me and find someone else who they can rely on... then it's okay... or is it?
I do feel that most of the time - I tend to fail people's expectation... why is that? Are people just tend to expect a lot from me or am I just not giving out enough?

Anyway...
I met up with friends from Honours year yesterday... We had lunch at Soul Mama in St Kilda... Yummy food in a great place! As usual it is a lot of fun.. :) Catching up with them always bring me back to the time where my days are all about how to push everything else away from my head so that I can concentrate on my research. It was another chapter of my life... An interesting one indeed. Finishing the thesis definitely felt like an accomplishment. Though till now I'm not very sure how did I ever finish it... One of us is starting a family soon, one of us is travelling quite a lot for work, one of us is doing PhD, the one is lost in her own world of tangent things...
I guess the big question is.... what do I want to do in my life? What is important enough for me to throw everything else away?
I know.. I know.. most people don't have to throw everything else away to serve their life purpose..
But, which is better? Being passionate enough bout what you want in life to be able to throw everything else away or not having anything that is worth throwing everything else away for because the combination of everything else has made your life worth living for?
Am I making sense at all? I hope I am... Cause I'm trying hard to make sense..

Who knows what's best for me?

Cause I don't...

I thought by now I would already know what I am planning to do with my life...
I thought by now I would already know where I want to be...

But - nope!

Can someone tell me what my future is going to be like?
Where I'll be a year from now?
Two years from now?
Ten years from now?

Should I listen to my parents'/siblings'/relatives' advice?
Should I listen to my friends' advice?
Or perhaps advice from that special someone?
Tell me - Who knows the answer to all my questions?
Maybe I need to go see a therapist... :P

Which one of those advices will make me regret my decisions most sometimes later in the future?
How does one ever know if they're doing the right thing?

Do I know what I'm doing?

I've forgiven myself once - or at least I think I have - maybe I haven't...
Anyway, it took A LOT OF EFFORTS and TIME...
Can I really forgive myself again?
Do I even deserve to be forgiven?

Thursday, March 8, 2007 -- The Daily Motivator

The power of forgiveness
Inflicting pain on someone else cannot do anything to ease your own pain. When you have been hurt, there is nothing to be gained by passing the hurt on to another.

When others have caused you pain, give forgiveness. Sincere forgiveness is the fastest way to begin moving positively forward again.

Forgiveness does not mean that you agree with or condone whatever has been done. It means that you no longer choose to let those past actions hold you back.

Your willingness to forgive does not mean that you are willing to be hurt again. In fact, forgiveness frees you to take positive steps that will make you stronger and much less vulnerable.

When you feel the desire for revenge, stop and remind yourself that there is a much more powerful response. Forgiveness is the way to put yourself in the best possible position.

Can you find the strength to forgive? Forgive, and you will surely grow stronger.

-- Ralph Marston

I figure out something recently...
There are some things in life that we, as human beings, should never sacrifice.
Or maybe I should say - there are some things that I think should be classified into the non-sacrifice-able things; if only to justify my actions...
But are they really non-sacrifice-able to everyone?

What's the most important thing in the world?
Is it your other half? Your family? Your friends? Yourself? Your work? Getting all the fun in the world? Your financial state?

I feel so lost ...
... lost in the world of unanswered questions.

Melbourne, my home...

One of my best friend is visiting Melbourne in April. I am SUPER excited - but a bit nervous too. Really don't want to disappoint her. She's only going to be here for 5 days. That means I really have to make sure I show her the best of Melbourne during that short period.

I arrived in Melbourne ~7 years ago and I still remember my first trip from Tullamarine Airport. I fell in love with the city, especially with the amazing scenery along Yarra River. Although I find everything here very interesting and pretty, after all these years, the convinience it offers becomes Melbourne's main attraction to me. So, even though I think Melbourne is still very much filled with pretty people, places and things; I don't know if Pipi will see it that way. The thing is I really really really want her to see the magic of the city...

I love Melbourne so much. But when it comes to showing people around Melbourne, I get confused. Which part of Melbourne should I show her? Which part I can't miss???

Let's do a short trip down the memory lane...

When I first arrived in Melbourne, I lived in Bundoora; studied in La Trobe Foundation Year.
Favorite Food? McDonald's and the Uni food stall's Chicken Schnitzel *LOL*.
Favorite Activity? Walking to the 24 hour Coles near my house.
Favorite People? Cath & My Landlord (Auntie Colleen's family).
Distance to the city? 1 hour by tram.
Nearest Shopping Mall? Northland.
Free Time Activity? Chatting (Phone/Net).
It was a lovely place to live in. Nice and quiet in a friendly way. Friendly people. Not too overwhelming. It reminds me that back then, the once-a-week trip to the city seems very grand.

After a year, I moved to Ivanhoe; studied in Monash Caulfield. Due to the length of the journey, I moved to Murrumbeena within couple months. Then, because of one reason or another, I moved to South Yarra.
Favorite Food? Anything that I can eat while walking (No friends in uni and I CAN'T eat alone!!!)
Favorite Activity? Walking down Southbank and Yarra River area every weekend with the Lvl-17-girls.
Favorite People? The Lvl-17-girls!!!
Distance to the city? 40 mins by train.
Nearest Shopping Mall? Chadstone - maybe - didn't go to the mall much though. CBD and Caulfield Coles mainly.
Free Time Activity? Can't remember! :)
Both Ivanhoe and Murrumbeena are a bit too quiet for me. Very dark at night. Living with Cath, Agnes, and Marda near Lia and Cella was a lot of fun and very pleasant. My computer is still pretty much my life. :)

Since then, I pretty much stayed in South Yarra. Till now. Studied in Monash for 3 years. Then worked (still am) in the city for 2 years and a bit now.
Favorite Food? Mmm.... Changes every month.
Favorite Activity? Mmm... Changes every week.
Favorite People? Met too many interesting people to mention.
Distance to the city? 10 mins by train.
Nearest Shopping Mall? Dun have one. City, Chadstone, Victoria Gardens.
Free Time Activity? Don't have FREE TIME!!! :P

Anyway, back to the main topic... what should be on my Melbourne must-visit list?
- Crown Casino/Yarra River
- St Kilda Beach/Luna Park/Port Melbourne/Williamstown
- Lygon St
- Wilson's Prom
- Chapel St
- Docklands
- Monash University!!! :)))

I love Melbourne... and I really hope Pipi will too.

Any suggestions are welcome...

Ciao!

Loving and Being Loved in Return

Ever since I moved away from Indo, I spend a bit of time during my trip back to Jakarta, going through old letters, cards and pictures. I have always enjoy doing it cause every time it reminds me of different things as well as gives me different type of mixed feelings.

I've just done my second round for this trip and ...
... I really enjoy the feeling it gives me today. :)

I felt that in my 24+ years of life - I've been really close to quite a few different people (non-family related people); I've cared and loved quite a few of them; and from browsing through the letters, cards and pictures; I realised that I've been loved and cared by quite a few of them too... Of course, some more than others, and for some past tense doesn't quite work - cause they're still around me. I guess that's the power of handwritten hard-copies :) It touches you more than the emails' block characters can do.

There are quite a few people that I don't recall have ever sent me letters/cards and apparently they have - and going through the letters; it seems like I've sent them letters/cards too.. haha me and my bad memory.

The sad part is that it reminds of some people that I'd really like to be still in touch with but with time constraint, things changing, and people moving, it's tricky.

When I first moved from Medan to Jakarta - two friends keep me busy with letters that definitely make me laugh - Herlin S and Cindy S (my cousin) - we were still kids back then; so the things that we write aren't exactly interesting; but we kept in touch for almost 2 years.. that's LONG for 10-11 years old!

After that, there is this pen pal that I still haven't met (Maura C) or maybe I have - I can't remember. Mmm then there are some other letters.. OJ has been a great pen-pal for quite sometime too.. Mmm.. who else?

Anyway, the list can go on and on but my point is... I think it is really great to realise that we've sincerely loved & cared for someone and been (I think and hope.. sincerely too) loved and cared for in return by quite a few people... These people - however far they are from me right now... have definitely gives meaning to my life... In fact, this whole thing might be what life is about to me... :D

Happy Chinese New Year !!!

It's that time of the year again - the Chinese New Year!!!

The time when everyone put on their pretty new clothes.
The time when the younger relatives visit and pay their respect to the older relatives.
The time when the un-married people get to receive the red pockets (with money $$$ in it) :) from the people who are married.

It's been more of a good thing than bad thing for me so far.
Let's see...
It's good cause I'm one of the un-married ones ($$$ _ $$$).
It's good cause I get to see quite a lot of the relatives whom I haven't seen for quite a while.
It's good cause then I don't have to find a separate time within my short holiday to visit my uncles and aunties again - saves me a lot of time.
Also, it's good cause I get to see my younger cousins (who all seem to have grown up so quickly hence make me feel a bit old) as well as to do big catch-up (that I enjoy) with the ones that are about my age.

Mmm.. The bad points?
It's bad cause the older relatives tend to ask about 'the' topic; i.e. "Marriage - When?" Problem? Mmmm.. Trying to explain that I no longer have a boyfriend to marry and having to hear "*LOL* you're kidding - so WHEN are you getting married?" *Sigh* I guess that's what happen when you joke around too much about serious things!
It's bad cause the unavoidable thing happen a lot - comparison with the other cousins; e.g. she looks good - he looks good - her partner is great - his partner is great - etc. This year has been OK; I get slightly more complments than complains :P. But the way I see it - it means that I have to make sure I improve or at least stay the way I am at the moment - else next year I'll be amongst the doomed ones. Not that I care THAT much :P.

Anyway - need to start counting the amount of money I get for putting up with sweet-talking the whole day... :P Oyasumi!